Being there
We all want to offer comfort and help to a grieving person. On one hand, we know that words such as "be strong" and "look at the bright side" are not really helpful. On the other hand, we all feel sad and helpless when seeing someone’s grief and pain. As a result, when we don’t know what to say, we use these words of comfort to alleviate our helplessness. People in grief need companionship. It is important to realize that true companionship is "not a kind of 'giving' but a kind of 'receiving'" (Su, 2011). As companions, we do not need to give answers or solutions; Instead, we need to make the bereaved person feel supported. When one feels understood and accepted, this sense of assurance and security would help them find the capacity in exploring possibilities in their grieving process. Therefore, as companions, we need to first adjust our expectations. Instead of expecting to change or erase one’s grief or rushing to solve one’s problems, we need to learn to accept our own sense of helplessness and to help the bereaved feel that their pain is truly understood - this is the starting point for accompanying the bereaved in their grief journey.
Suggestions
Many bereaved people tell us that what they want most is having someone who is willing to listen - to sit quietly by their side and listen attentively. Sometimes an eye contact or a hug is worth a thousand words.
We grieve in our own different ways. Do not make assumptions and criticisms. Do not impose our values on other people. Always try to listen and understand one’s unique grief experience.
We may provide practical support in the early phase of bereavement, such as accompanying the family through the various logistic procedures, helping with childcare, grocery shopping, and household chores.
We may acknowledge the loss by listening to the bereaved person’s sharing of thoughts and feelings.
We may let the bereaved talk about their memories of their beloved, especially their happy and memorable moments.
If we personally know the deceased, we may share our memories too. Show our appreciation for him/her, and acknowledge the love between the deceased and their family.
We may encourage and support the bereaved in restoring their normal life gradually. For example, we may invite them to hiking trips, watch movies, shopping, and so forth.
We may appreciate every small step and attempt made by the bereaved. For example, it is an extraordinary experience for a widow to change her own light bulb for the first time, or a widower to cook for the first time.
If the bereaved continue to experience extremely intense grief reactions which get even worse over time, exceed the expected norms and have significantly disrupted your daily functioning, he/she may need to be alerted and should seek professional support.
Last but not least, we must also take care of ourselves: we can’t pour from an empty cup. If needed, we can seek support from professionals or other community resources.
