Dealing With the Deceased Loved One’s Belongings
Some families wish to dispose of the deceased’s belongings as soon as possible so as to get over the sadness, while others wish to keep the deceased’s belongings as they are, and may even forbid others from disposing them. There are different ways of handling, yet we are still experiencing that sense of yearning and attachment to our loved ones.
- Take our time:
At the early stage of bereavement, we don’t need to force ourselves to manage everything at one time, or quicky make some major decisions. We just follow our own pace and do so when we find ourselves emotionally and physically ready for that. If there is an urgent need for the disposal and we find ourselves less ready to do so, you may invite friends and relatives to help. - Do it methodically:
It is sometimes difficult to decide what to do with the remains of a deceased person when we are still emotionally disturbed. Every item left behind holds traces of the deceased’s life. We can start with categorization of the belongings. For example, we may start with the things that you find easy to handle first. For items like broken things, electric appliances, home furniture, it may be relatively easier to decide whether we want to donate them or throw them away. Next, we may select items that we would definitely keep, like some precious photos, or deceased’s ring. Lastly, store items we can’t decide upon in a ‘not sure’ box and we may return to them for decision in later time. Alternatively, we may start with a few categorizations like “items to keep”, “items to donate”, “trash”, “items for friends”, and “to be determined”, and deal with them bit by bit or one category at a time. Avoid regret is the underlying principle. - Plan the process:
The process of handling the belongings of the deceased can easily evoke mixed emotions. We may plan the process, such as packing for a short period of time each day and then doing something relaxing, like having a walk in the park, meeting friends, or eating our favorite food. By making plan for the process, we can accomplish this difficult task according to our pace and without getting overwhelmed.
Changing the environment
Since after the death of our beloved ones, we may find it emotionally overwhelmed by just staying at home when the house is full of reminders of the deceased. The emotions may become even more intensive when the deceased pass away at home. It is not uncommon that bereaved people may avoid returning home or consider moving house during the early stage of bereavement.
Bereavement is a very stressful event in life. Bereaved people are not encouraged to make major decisions and create more changes in life during the early phase of bereavement, as this may impose further pressure and make adaption even more challenging. If circumstances allow, we may invite friends to stay with us at home for a short period of time. Alternatively, we may stay at other relatives’ house if possible, and we would have some extra time for adjustment before we return back to our home. Some bereaved people would make some small changes with their home decorations so that they may feel emotionally less disturbed at home when the house looks different in some ways, e.g., minor rearrangement of furniture, changing the colour of the curtain etc.
On the other hand, if a traumatic death occurs at home, and you are experiencing some traumatic responses which get even worse over time, exceed the expected norms and have significantly disrupted your daily functioning, change of environment may be helpful. In any cases, if you have further difficulties in making adjustments and coping with emotions, you are advised to seek further professional supports.
As we can gradually adjust to life without the deceased and may become more confident about the future, we may start making plan for the future and make further steps ahead, including having new plans and changes in life. We may talk to someone we trust or consult the professionals to ensure that suitable decisions can be made.
Dealing with special days
There are different festivals and special days during the year, such as our birthdays, the deceased’s birthday, the death anniversary, Valentine’s Day, Mid-Autumn Festival, Christmas, Chinese New Year etc. These days are difficult as they remind us more specifically of our beloved ones.
We often have mixed feelings on these special days. On the one hand, we would feel particularly sad as we are reminded of the better days when beloved ones were here, and then they are gone now. On the other hand, we may want to resume normal life and enjoy the special time with our kids and other family members. Such conflicting feelings are very normal. It is helpful to plan ahead how we may want to spend that day. For example, we may visit the grave, have a date with our friends or perform some memorial rituals for the deceased. This may help us to have a better sense of control and make us feel less helpless.
In short, it is a normal process that our grief may resurface during these special holidays and festive times. Grief journey is a process of personal growth. By getting familiar with the challenges and ways to cope, we may gain a better understanding of our grief and find better ways to move on with our life.
Chow, A. Y. M. (2010). Anticipatory anniversary bereavement effects and Bereavement: Development of an integrated explanatory model. Journal of Loss and Trauma, 15(1), 54-68.
